What are the social expectations in today’s schoolyards?
Published on Mon Nov 1 2021 in Family
Gone are the days where you could just kiss your child goodbye at the front door and send them on their way to school. Today’s parents are expected to be present at school, build relationships with other parents and navigate what can be a social minefield at the school gate. Just one social faux pas can set the tone for both you and your child’s school relationships for the remainder of their school days.
Two common challenges new school parents face are handling the social expectations around birthday parties and playground conflict.
Social expectations of kids’ parties
Compiling the guest list for your child’s birthday party can be fraught with pitfalls especially as other parents can take it personally if their child misses out on an invitation. A safe rule to follow especially for younger primary school children is to invite the whole class. However, with increasing median class sizes, this is not always possible, and in this case, it is wise to invite half the class or less rather than leave out just a few children who will feel excluded and may lead to awkward school gate conversations with offended parents.
As children get older, and closer friendships are formed, it will become more acceptable to only invite your child’s close group of friends, or all the same gender of the class e.g. all the boys/girls.
Speak to your child about being sensitive when handing out invites in front of people, or if possible, have the teacher place them directly into students’ bags. Once your child has formed a friendship group, you may have the contact details of those parents, and you can send digital invitations without involving the school.
What to include on party invitations
All parents have different expectations of party hosts. Ask any parent experienced with kids’ birthday parties and you’re likely to be told of attendees staying until dinner time, parents who are late to pick up their child after enjoying a long lunch out, or parents turning up to an activity with siblings expecting them to be able to join in.
So, to avoid awkward moments, and manage everyone’s expectations, be sure to include the following on the invitations:
- Start and finish times: This will guide parents when to pick up their children. If you are attending, a good indicator of when the party is ending is after the cake is cut. Once the cake is eaten, you should prepare to leave unless invited to stay longer.
- Whether parents should stay or go: Do you want parents to stay and supervise their children, or go and let the kids get on with the party? Don’t assume parents will automatically stay – some will see it as a chance for free babysitting. If parents leave their child in your care, you will be responsible for them, so make sure you are prepared for this and have essential medical information and emergency contact numbers for all participants. Other parents may wish to stay with their child, especially if it is at a private home, or if they do not know you well.
- Siblings attending: Some parents will assume that siblings are included in the invitation – especially for a party at home, so make sure to state if you can cater for them and have them advise how many they are bringing. As many parents work during weekends, allowing siblings to join in may mean more of your child’s friends can attend. If you are hosting at an activity venue, make sure you advise of any extra cost the parents need to pay to include siblings.
Helping kid’s navigate playground conflict
Another topic often encountered is playground conflict. Handled badly, it can spill outside the playground to the school gate when parents get involved.
Parents are children’s first teachers and need to demonstrate the behaviour they want their children to exhibit. How you treat the person who cuts in line at the shops will reflect in the behaviour of your child when another child tries to cut in line for the slide. However, despite parents’ best efforts, playground conflicts still occur, and whilst it can be tempting to jump in and try to solve our child’s problems for them, this approach doesn’t help them to build the self-confidence and skills to handle issues when they arise in future years when we are not around to help them.
By holding back and allowing them to handle the situation themselves, they gain;
- resilience
- problem solving skills, and
- confidence that they can navigate conflicts in life.
Take the opportunity to talk about what happened afterwards and praise them for what they did right, as well as offer suggestions on what they could do next time to help achieve a different result.
Let the school handle incidents at school
When conflicts arise in the school playground, as parents we naturally want to jump to the defence of our children, however what your child has told you is only their side of the story, and you may not know all the ins and outs of what happened. A good rule for parents is to let the school handle the conflict and keep the school gate confrontation free. You can still support your child after an incident by talking through what happened, the leadup and how they felt about it. You could also ask them how they think things could have been done differently to avoid the situation.
Help your child know what to do beforehand
You can also help your child before an event occurs, by having a conversation with them about mutual respect and what behaviour is expected of them by you and the school. Teach them that it’s ok to stand up for themselves, but it’s also ok to walk away and find support from a teacher. If you have a child who is anxious about handling confrontation, role playing common playground issues can help arm them with strategies ahead of time. Identifying certain teachers the child feels comfortable approaching for help can also help alleviate worry.
Even with this guidance, remember there is no one-size-fits-all approach and no fool-proof way to deal with negative social interactions. All we can do is prepare our kids the best we can and remind them that we are there to help them if they need us.
-
About Author: Momentum Life is a leading provider of Life insurance and Funeral insurance in New Zealand.
TAGS:
The content provided in this article is for information purposes only. The information is of a general nature and does not constitute financial advice or other professional advice. To the extent that any of the content constitutes financial advice, it is limited to Momentum Life products only and does not consider your specific financial needs or goals. You should consider whether the information is appropriate for you and seek independent professional advice, if required.
All product information is correct at the time this article was published. For current product information, please visit the Momentum Life website.